A New Due Date

Are you ready?

That was the question, is the question that still gives me pause.

When I was expecting my first child, all different types of people would ask, “Are you ready?”

Those three words are a statement unto their own as one prepares to bring a new life into the world. A new human to care for and nurture and prepare for life and living.

Oh, the books I bought, and the research I did, and the anxiety I felt over the things one needs to be ready for an infant - from diapers to which stroller to choose. I recall the “grandpa” sales clerk. That’s what he called himself and apparently everyone who consulted with him did as well, with the bushy white hair and handlebar mustache in his red store-branded polo waxing poetic over the Italian stroller and the American options. The American made ones had cup holders, of course. That was 23 years ago so likely there are more modern conveniences that today’s new parents are choosing from. (We chose the American brand because we were thrifty and decided cup holders in the stroller sounded like a good idea.)

Well, I guess I am… ready, I would say with a tentative smile. I had done the research, taken the birthing class, pored over the “what to expect” early volumes, visited the experts at the baby store, cried in the parking lot of the big box baby store so overwhelmed by the many things we “needed” before this glorious human was to grace us with his presence.

And thankfully he came into the world healthy, and they let us leave the hospital even though we were sure we needed more training.

We had 21 months of learning to be parents to our first one to then learn all over again to be “ready” to be the parents of our second gentle boy. We had time with two creating space for each to be the very individual little ones they were and still are. Then 30 months from our second and four years since the first one made us parents, our youngest boy joined us with sweetness and grace making us a family of five. My three sons. Each his own self. Each a wonder to learn and nurture.

And over these many years, those three words were asked in different ways as we rushed to get to school or to church or to swim meets or soccer games or somewhere. Many more ways and times to come up with an answer to this simple yet situationally complex question, “Are you ready?”

I’m pondering this question from a different vantage point today.

Years ago, I was waiting for the due date and the little one to be ready to meet the world. Today, I’m waiting for the date I take my youngest son to college. The question is the same though so very different. Are you ready? Am I… ready?

I am pondering how my family – my young adult men, my husband, and even the ailing 13-year old dog got to this day. I’ve spent at least 23 years preparing for this.

The infant years are filled with schedules and milestones. From nursing to sleeping through the night, rolling over and being able to roll back, crawling, walking, climbing, eating solid food, and regular doctor visits to ensure they’re thriving and growing.

Then there was preschool to learn letters, how to be kind and share and make art and sing songs. And then kindergarten to learn to read and write and numbers and early science experiments. Soccer and t-ball and tae kwon to learn teamwork and to be active and agile and a good person.

We moved through the elementary and middle school years. We planned activities for summer camp and celebrated personal bests in swimming. We had a play book to help them get from year to year and school to school. And, then they learned to drive and got a part time job and more independence and time away from you.

And then.

They take that next step.

Four years ago, our oldest faced challenges with mental health and addiction. We were in fact ready and gratefully found the life-saving program that guided his mind, body, and spirit combined with his own faith and hard work into a life of recovery. And, he’s now helping young men on their own journeys to recovery. Channeling his experience, strength, and hope so these young people can find their own.

Two years ago at this time, I was researching and planning for my second son to take his step. I found the checklists and bought the college dorm bundles. When tearfully driving around with him as we bought the items his minimalist philosophy was sure he didn’t need, we shared moments of connection. Both knowing we were as ready as we could be. Him maybe more than me. And, now he’s seeking internships and exploring careers as he enters his next half of college.

Now, in a matter of days, we take our youngest to start football camp before beginning college as a student athlete. He’s preparing every day with his workouts and strength training. I’ve pulled out the check lists and bought the bedding and the towels and laundry detergent. Waiting to see the room before we buy the lamps and the rugs and whatever else he won’t care about at the time but will appreciate as he settles into this next step.

All those steps. All those checklists. All that learning and growing and tears and laughter and finger paint and essays. All that preparing to be ready leads to this moment.

Somehow infant to toddler to preschooler to elementary schooler to middle schooler to high school senior was easier. There was a map. A clear list of tasks and things to get done and be ready for the next.

Now he each makes his own lists. I am still learning to encourage but not do. I am learning to let each of them take his own next steps and be here knowing that I’ve loved them since the second I knew of their existence. That I’ve taught them to be kind, curious, strong, and sensitive. That I’ve tried to teach them what I’m learning all over again. That all is within us to face this moment. That with hard work, faith, hope, and prayers for confidence and calm, that we are ready.

So, as the “due date” lingers above my head and heart, and I ask myself, “Am I ready?” I go back to 23 years ago and smile and say with faith and eyes close to being filled with proud, bittersweet tears, I guess I am.